Book Review by Professor Gary Chambers

Because you were there

Book review

Professor Gary N Chambers

If you have already read Sally Blythe’s first edition of Because you were there, you will enjoy the second edition even more. The letters are still the same – why wouldn’t they be? – but the inclusion of a postscript makes an excellent read even better. If you haven’t read the first edition, you have missed a treat. I thoroughly recommend that you read the second.

When we are in the company of someone who has suffered a loss, we never know what to say or how to behave, do we? Through her sensitively crafted letters to her deceased husband, Peter, Sally (p.9) describes the impact of this on the bereaved: “……death and loss are too uncomfortable for people to talk about and so we – who are left behind – enter unchartered territory without either map, compass or travelling companion”. Sally goes a long way to providing us with at least the map and compass.

Don’t pick up the book without a box of tissues. I read much of it through tear-filled eyes. The letters and especially the poems are very moving and memorable. Sally is more honest and open than one might expect. She is so very willing to share her pain, confusion, anxiety and her happiness too. Anyone who has lost a loved one will have experienced some of what she describes, in one way or another and will marvel at Sally’s accurate, sensitive and moving portrayal of feelings.

Sally writes beautifully. Her feelings and thoughts come across so clearly. The reader has a seat next to her as she rides the rollercoaster of emotions. Some days are good, some bad. Sometimes the good days end up bad as she feels the guilt of feeling some level of happiness or contentment, or increase in self-belief or justification for occupying a place on this earth. Is this a betrayal of Peter and the love they shared? Does she have his blessing to live her life?

The feeling of isolation is linked to the need to share. The letters she writes to her deceased husband, Peter, manifest this need. This communication keeps Peter with her and allows her to share her needs, worries and questions. She still enjoys the beauty in nature, for example, but not to its fullest as Peter is not there to share it with. Sally relates how she enjoys success in her work, giving a paper at a conference or an interview on the BBC but: “Then I step out of the train to total obscurity” (p.35). What value is there in a pleasure-inducing experience if the pleasure cannot be shared?

Sally does not put a limit on what she shares with Peter and, of course, her readers. This includes her feelings of guilt, not least the guilt of deciding to find a partner, to allow her to ‘embrace life’ and to share “not only company but a full emotional, physical and intellectual life with someone” (p.36). She registers with an internet dating site and describes the awkwardness experienced when meeting someone for the first time and getting to know them, as well as the fear that it will all end in tears. Again and again, Sally shows her concern that Peter may think that she no longer loves him or love him enough. She stresses that he cannot be replaced: “Oh Darling, you are an impossible act to follow. How can anyone ever fill the space you have left behind, and can I ever let anyone else in?” (p.32)

The theme of guilt also extends to family. Sally values the love and support of her family very highly. She would have been lost without this at the time of Peter’s passing, when other sources of support were withdrawn. When she decides to introduce her new partner to them, she worries that she is doing so prematurely. Her adult children are struggling to cope with the loss of their step-father and the emptiness of the family home without him. Is the introduction of another man too much for them to process?

What does the inclusion of a postscript add to the second edition? This offers Sally the opportunity to explain that she is not ‘moving on’, as her relationship with her new partner develops. ‘Moving on’ suggests leaving behind that which came before. She wants to make the new and the former an amalgam, parts combining and blending to enrich her life: “This is not to forget or to “move on” but to integrate what is best into the self and to take it forward into the world” (p.50).

A second dimension of the postscript deals with Sally’s experience of Peter’s treatment and the support provided in the last stages of his suffering and the absence of support for her after he had died. She contrasts the transactional behaviour of the health service (“Our experience was of a health service driven by technology rather than physicians – a system where if the “computer says no” – the needs of the patient do not exist.” p.53-54) with the kindness and dignity shown by the hospice. Sally’s account of her experience is disturbing, probably typical, balanced and bereft of any bitterness or complaining. She just wants things to be better. She concludes with an excellent set of guidelines, “Supporting bereavement” for the many, of which I am one, who don’t know what to say or do to support those who have lost a loved one. These should be compulsory reading for all of us. Thank you, Sally.

Because you were there leaves the reader with some unanswered questions. These do not leave one with any sense of dissatisfaction or lack of completion but rather stimulate one’s curiosity and add to the charm of the book. Through the letters and poems we get to know Peter, the activities and adventures he and Sally enjoyed together and the type of man he was. We cannot read what might have been his responses to Sally’s letters but, through her, we can almost hear his voice. Our knowledge of him, however, is not quite complete. What did he do in the 50s and beyond which leads to the work-related complications experienced by Sally? There are some sailing references in relation to Peter’s life. What was his naval experience? How does Sally’s new partner feel about the book? What conversations between them must this have led to?

Because you were there should be compulsory reading for us all. It stirs every emotion and teaches us so much about love, relationships and loss. I know it would help so many people to find solace and comfort in the realisation that they are not the only ones to be suffering the ache of loss as well as the guilt, confusion and anxiety which accompany it.

Professor Gary N Chambers